I am going to, with only the strength and grace of the Lord, take a break starting tomorrow, from my blog, and Facebook, and the internet in general. It's only for a few days! Of course, if the Lord places something on my heart, I will write it and post it. My heart needs to get focused back on spending time in His word and seeking Him. And of course, my family needs me too!
Be blessed...
Shannon
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Spaghetti Bowl of Emotions: Walking the Messy Road of Grief
The Deep Dark Feelings of Grief (and loss of a precious child):
If I were to be completely honest, and I am being in this post, I would sometimes like to take a dinner plate (for instance) outside and smash it on the ground. Oftentimes I want to scream. Oh how my soul aches, cries out for, and just longs to hold and kiss and see my precious first-born. In reality, I fully realize that this side of earth that will never happen again. But the flesh and heart of me still misses Ethan. The flesh of me (not the godly part) is angry. The flesh of me dislikes our "new normal." What is that anyway? Nothing seems normal. I walk around in a daze at times like I'm missing something. My mind races and cannot stay focused on much of anything. Reading the Bible has taken a place on the way back burner--this causes me great amounts of guilt, which in turn doesn't make me feel good at all. After all, who feels good when they carry guilt? I love my Savior as much as I ever have. I don't choose to not read my Bible because I hold a grudge against Him. That's not the case at all. In fact, I hope and pray that those who I encounter and who read my blog will accept Christ if they haven't. I hope that my testimony and my terrible loss will show that--YES--you can go through a horrible, stinky, nasty, awful tragedy and STILL love Him with all of your heart, soul and mind. YES you can! However, just because I am a Christ-follower doesn't mean that I'm "happy go lucky" every day and there's a bed of roses around every single corner. Or is there?
It's all in how we CHOOSE to look at our circumstances. Do I feel "targeted" in some sort of way by God because of what happened? No. Do I walk around with a poor, pitiful me? No (at least, I hope not). Do I treat others like dirt and then use the excuse, well it's the grief and I just cannot help myself. I don't think so (and please forgive me if I have). We all have a story in HISstory. Some of us have walked some really deep, dark valleys. Others have never experienced much of a loss or trial. But we all have a story. We all hurt in different ways. We must learn to not judge others and how they feel and process things. We are all different. YOU CANNOT PUT A TIMELINE ON GRIEF!
We cannot LET our circumstances dictate how we treat others. We must still walk in grace and love toward others even if our life seems stinky and sad and hopeless at the moment. I cannot sit here and use the loss of my precious son as a "freebie" to rip into people and tear them down. That is not fair and it isn't godly. I've had the experience in the past of being around others who had suffered a loss, and chose to be mean and use it as their excuse every single time they lashed out in anger. Please don't do that. Just lay those feelings at the Cross of Christ. Lay it all down. We need others more than ever when we walk through a loss. It's not healthy to shove others out of our life with negative actions and attitudes.
We can, however choose thankfulness! When we choose to thank Him for what we DO have, it sure changes those feeling from wanting to throw a dish to feelings of happiness and contentedness.
Some things that I have realized over the course of the past almost two years since Ethan met Jesus:
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7
If I were to be completely honest, and I am being in this post, I would sometimes like to take a dinner plate (for instance) outside and smash it on the ground. Oftentimes I want to scream. Oh how my soul aches, cries out for, and just longs to hold and kiss and see my precious first-born. In reality, I fully realize that this side of earth that will never happen again. But the flesh and heart of me still misses Ethan. The flesh of me (not the godly part) is angry. The flesh of me dislikes our "new normal." What is that anyway? Nothing seems normal. I walk around in a daze at times like I'm missing something. My mind races and cannot stay focused on much of anything. Reading the Bible has taken a place on the way back burner--this causes me great amounts of guilt, which in turn doesn't make me feel good at all. After all, who feels good when they carry guilt? I love my Savior as much as I ever have. I don't choose to not read my Bible because I hold a grudge against Him. That's not the case at all. In fact, I hope and pray that those who I encounter and who read my blog will accept Christ if they haven't. I hope that my testimony and my terrible loss will show that--YES--you can go through a horrible, stinky, nasty, awful tragedy and STILL love Him with all of your heart, soul and mind. YES you can! However, just because I am a Christ-follower doesn't mean that I'm "happy go lucky" every day and there's a bed of roses around every single corner. Or is there?
It's all in how we CHOOSE to look at our circumstances. Do I feel "targeted" in some sort of way by God because of what happened? No. Do I walk around with a poor, pitiful me? No (at least, I hope not). Do I treat others like dirt and then use the excuse, well it's the grief and I just cannot help myself. I don't think so (and please forgive me if I have). We all have a story in HISstory. Some of us have walked some really deep, dark valleys. Others have never experienced much of a loss or trial. But we all have a story. We all hurt in different ways. We must learn to not judge others and how they feel and process things. We are all different. YOU CANNOT PUT A TIMELINE ON GRIEF!
We cannot LET our circumstances dictate how we treat others. We must still walk in grace and love toward others even if our life seems stinky and sad and hopeless at the moment. I cannot sit here and use the loss of my precious son as a "freebie" to rip into people and tear them down. That is not fair and it isn't godly. I've had the experience in the past of being around others who had suffered a loss, and chose to be mean and use it as their excuse every single time they lashed out in anger. Please don't do that. Just lay those feelings at the Cross of Christ. Lay it all down. We need others more than ever when we walk through a loss. It's not healthy to shove others out of our life with negative actions and attitudes.
We can, however choose thankfulness! When we choose to thank Him for what we DO have, it sure changes those feeling from wanting to throw a dish to feelings of happiness and contentedness.
Some things that I have realized over the course of the past almost two years since Ethan met Jesus:
 |
| Beautiful Texas wildflowers in our countryside. |
- He is with Jesus, and in a far safer and better place than this scary world we live in.
- Ethan didn't suffer. Some poor children suffer from disease or illness. He never did.
- I had no eternal perspective. Now it's all I think about. Having a dear, loved one in heaven makes you realize this is NOT our home. It's temporary. I long for that day when this life will be gone and the new life in heaven will begin. (No, I am not in a hurry to go Home, but I sure can't wait to meet Jesus and see Ethan again!)
- I'm far better off than a lot of people in this world. Going through this painful loss has given me a "thicker" skin so to speak. I dare say that I can do anything on my own, but through Him I surely can.
- Fear is not of the Lord, it's from the enemy. And the enemy (the devil) will creep into your life when you are weak and feed you lies. Don't listen. Instead pray to Jesus to removed the enemy completely. Turn your thoughts on Him, and the fear will melt.
- I'm tougher than I thought I was. I can do HARD things. Not of my own power, but with Him I certainly can.
- The loss of my son is the hardest goodbye I have ever had to say. It's unlike any other loss there is.
- No matter how hard I may try, I am forever changed and CANNOT be the same person I was before June 5, 2010. Part of me has died, but there is a fighter within me that refuses to give up. Therefore, I can choose to use my loss for His glory, or stay stuck in a rut and never move forward. I want to use this for His glory. But it takes a lot of TIME to mend, to heal, to process. I'm not through this long process...not sure when I will be.
- Some days there isn't much more I can do than just say a prayer and ask Jesus to hold me tight. That's okay.
- Grief is consuming and messes with your mind. For example, I am way more forgetful and absent-minded that I can ever recollect. I have to be extra careful and aware when driving. Grief can "steal" your mind away--causing you to wandering off into other thoughts when you should be concentrating. BE CAREFUL!
- Trying to relive the night of the accident over in my mind hurts. I think it is absolutely necessary to relive that moment a few times. It helps to process and make it real. But I do think there comes a point in time where it's unhealthy to relive that memory. I try to focus on the memories that were wonderful.
- Crawling into my closet and shutting the door and sobbing on the ground like a baby is therapeutic, and I highly recommend it. Those tears are a cleansing gift from God. Use them! Yes, it is very exhausting to cry, but it's necessary.
- Keep all of the cards that thoughtful friends and family and neighbors (and even strangers) sent. I get out the box of sympathy cards and re-read them about every six months. Yes, I cry every time, but it's good for me, and though it may not be good for everyone, I would suggest holding onto those cards. They are precious.
- I've been blessed with two healthy and wonderful boys. There are many happily married couple who cannot conceive. They have never had the joy of bringing home a new baby. For these two sons, I am blessed and thankful! Thank you Lord!
- Grief is harder on children than adults. They do not understand their emotions to the extent that we do. Much grace and patience is needed with a grieving child. I have to be really careful to decipher between disobedience and grief hidden behind what might seem to be disobedience. Grace. Shower it upon them like Jesus.
- We cannot move away from our problems or our grief. Literally. It follows you no matter what state, country, our continent you live in. Grief is a must. We cannot skip over it and pretend nothing happened.
- GriefShare.org is a blessing. I highly recommend connection with a group. If one group doesn't work, there is perhaps another at a different church. GriefShare groups are easy to find in larger metropolitan areas.
- Finding someone, or rather, letting the Holy Spirit provide friends that have been through similar circumstances, is one of the best blessings you could ever receive! Sharing with someone who has walked down a similar path with you will help. You will also gain a friend for life!
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wordless
With it now being almost Wednesday, I have totally neglected to write "Tuck His Word in Your Heart Tuesdays. I'm having one of those wordless and emotional days of grief. Almost all day, non-stop, I have thought of Ethan. Several times today I have nearly broke down in tears, and perhaps I would have if Evan and I would have not been out on the road running errands.
So today is wordless. Grief is all I can think of. Sleep is what I need. God can carry my burden. I'm praying for a better day tomorrow.
I have so many pictures to post, but I have no energy at this point to post any. Perhaps tomorrow?
Sending hugs and love out, especially to all of my new friends who share this challenging journey of grief.
You are so loved by our Father.
Until the next post...lean on Him.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
One of the Best Things You Can Do for a Grieving Parent
...is to mention their deceased child. One of my biggest challenges since losing Ethan is keeping his memory alive. I want others to mention him. He's not some long lost forgotten part of our family. I count Ethan just as much as a part of the family as I ever have in the past. I do not have only one child. In fact, I still have two
boys, two children who I still love with all of my heart. When I am 80 (Lord-willing if I shall live that long), when people ask about my children, I will mention my Ethan.
Please don't worry about making me sad (or perhaps a friend of yours who has lost a child) by mentioning Ethan or their beloved child, because I will smile with gladness that you remembered and cared enough to mention him--and I am certain they will too. Gone but not forgotten.
Miss you and love you Ethan! Evan and Daddy miss you so much!
In Loving Memory of Ethan Joshua
November 29, 2002-June 5, 2010
boys, two children who I still love with all of my heart. When I am 80 (Lord-willing if I shall live that long), when people ask about my children, I will mention my Ethan.
Please don't worry about making me sad (or perhaps a friend of yours who has lost a child) by mentioning Ethan or their beloved child, because I will smile with gladness that you remembered and cared enough to mention him--and I am certain they will too. Gone but not forgotten.
Miss you and love you Ethan! Evan and Daddy miss you so much!
In Loving Memory of Ethan Joshua
November 29, 2002-June 5, 2010
Faith-Filled Fridays: Sowing Seeds
Okay, so I must confess it's actually Thursday evening. I normally write my posts on the actual day they are published, but I will be super busy tomorrow, and a God moment just happened a bit ago, so I must share.
I want to first, preface this post by letting you know I am not the most godly parent in the world, nor do I do everything the way God would have me to do. What happened today is NOT me...it's Him!
Josh told Evan that he could watch a bit of Curious George on Netflix since he was well-behaved today. Before turning on the TV, Evan opens up and hands me his Bible and says."Would you read to me from my Bible? I want to be godly first, and then watch TV." His book of choice from the Bible: 2 Samuel. So instead of starting right in the middle of it, we started at the beginning of 1 Samuel. A beautiful story that I can relate to when talking about Hannah, and her grief and agony of not being able to conceive. However, big difference between she and I...I've been blessed with two wonderful boys, and she had never been pregnant. Right now I am quite happy and content with my two, even if one is with Jesus.
Sometimes my child blows me away, and melts my heart and also helps me to be a better child of God. It got me to thinking about how often do I get on the computer, and neglect His Word? You see, we need our daily bread of Him, not tangible food, but more of Him! We need less distractions in this world. If we aren't doing something that glorifies the Lord, or that is bringing us in closer relationship with Him, then why do it at all? Of course, we all have our hobbies, and those are good things. But could we take our sewing and quilting (my hobby of choice) and use that skill for others? We absolutely can!
As I close out this post, I am praying for all of my readers to hunger and thirst for Him, and to choose spending more time with Him. If a child can, why can't we? {Note: this was written more for myself, but of course, I hope it has blessed you too!}
Let me leave you with a picture of hubby, Evan and Peaty with the newest member of our tree family: Mr. Key Lime!
I want to first, preface this post by letting you know I am not the most godly parent in the world, nor do I do everything the way God would have me to do. What happened today is NOT me...it's Him!
Josh told Evan that he could watch a bit of Curious George on Netflix since he was well-behaved today. Before turning on the TV, Evan opens up and hands me his Bible and says."Would you read to me from my Bible? I want to be godly first, and then watch TV." His book of choice from the Bible: 2 Samuel. So instead of starting right in the middle of it, we started at the beginning of 1 Samuel. A beautiful story that I can relate to when talking about Hannah, and her grief and agony of not being able to conceive. However, big difference between she and I...I've been blessed with two wonderful boys, and she had never been pregnant. Right now I am quite happy and content with my two, even if one is with Jesus.
Sometimes my child blows me away, and melts my heart and also helps me to be a better child of God. It got me to thinking about how often do I get on the computer, and neglect His Word? You see, we need our daily bread of Him, not tangible food, but more of Him! We need less distractions in this world. If we aren't doing something that glorifies the Lord, or that is bringing us in closer relationship with Him, then why do it at all? Of course, we all have our hobbies, and those are good things. But could we take our sewing and quilting (my hobby of choice) and use that skill for others? We absolutely can!
 |
| Hubby, Evan and Peaty posing with Evan's Key Lime Tree. |
Let me leave you with a picture of hubby, Evan and Peaty with the newest member of our tree family: Mr. Key Lime!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuck His Word in Your Heart Tuesdays
Happy Tuesday!
Today finds me busy, and motivated to get going and get moving! :) Today we completed our schoolwork (Evan did fabulous--was hesitant since his First Grade work is getting more challenging, but he did it!). We sang the vowel song along to the tune of London Bridge, revisited our Proverb for the week which I will talk about in a minute, did fun things with the number of the day, which is 10, took a nice walk out in God's Creation and picked wildlflowers, etc.
In between all of that, we managed to clean the bathrooms (Evan scrubbed toilets), unload and reload the dishwasher, water the plants (we have about 100 of them!), vacuumed and swept floors.
But enough of that boring old stuff and onto God's Word.
Our Proverb is from Chapter 10 verse 5, and it says: He that gathereth in the summer is a wise son: but he that sleepeth in harvest is a son that causeth shame.
This verse has been one that both Evan and I have needed. My motivation level, and the things that I accomplish in the day to day has been sadly diminished in the past almost two years. Grief and fatigue overtakes my mind at times, and I simply do not want to do anything. But I am finding as I meditate on God's Word that I am called to be productive. God gave me the many blessings that I see, touch, smell, etc. on a daily basis. If I neglect them, am I taking good care of what God has blessed me with? No, I am not. Therefore, I must heed God's instruction in His Word, and the book of Proverbs is a lovely place to gain so much insight into how He created us to be.
In closing up this blog post for Tuesday, I pray that each of you will find your groove if you have lost it. We all tend to loose our groove in the midst of just plain and simple life. We live in a world that is over-stimulating with the internet, and all of the things it entails with Facebook, email, blogging, etc. I am purposing to getting back to basics, just as I felt the Lord calling me to do the past few months. Won't you join me? I am praying right now that all who read this will be filled with His love and fullness!
Today finds me busy, and motivated to get going and get moving! :) Today we completed our schoolwork (Evan did fabulous--was hesitant since his First Grade work is getting more challenging, but he did it!). We sang the vowel song along to the tune of London Bridge, revisited our Proverb for the week which I will talk about in a minute, did fun things with the number of the day, which is 10, took a nice walk out in God's Creation and picked wildlflowers, etc.
In between all of that, we managed to clean the bathrooms (Evan scrubbed toilets), unload and reload the dishwasher, water the plants (we have about 100 of them!), vacuumed and swept floors.
But enough of that boring old stuff and onto God's Word.
Our Proverb is from Chapter 10 verse 5, and it says: He that gathereth in the summer is a wise son: but he that sleepeth in harvest is a son that causeth shame.
This verse has been one that both Evan and I have needed. My motivation level, and the things that I accomplish in the day to day has been sadly diminished in the past almost two years. Grief and fatigue overtakes my mind at times, and I simply do not want to do anything. But I am finding as I meditate on God's Word that I am called to be productive. God gave me the many blessings that I see, touch, smell, etc. on a daily basis. If I neglect them, am I taking good care of what God has blessed me with? No, I am not. Therefore, I must heed God's instruction in His Word, and the book of Proverbs is a lovely place to gain so much insight into how He created us to be.
In closing up this blog post for Tuesday, I pray that each of you will find your groove if you have lost it. We all tend to loose our groove in the midst of just plain and simple life. We live in a world that is over-stimulating with the internet, and all of the things it entails with Facebook, email, blogging, etc. I am purposing to getting back to basics, just as I felt the Lord calling me to do the past few months. Won't you join me? I am praying right now that all who read this will be filled with His love and fullness!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Ultimate Blog Party Post
June of 2010, our lives changed forever when Ethan passed away suddenly in an accident. My ministry changed forever. Writing on my blog has given me a source of comfort, and has served as a journal of sorts of my grief journey. It's my attempt at a ministry to reach grieving mommas. This blog also serves as my attempt to reach the unsaved with the hope of Jesus.
First and foremost, I am blessed because Jesus loves me! And He loves you too! I've been married to Josh, who is in the Air Force, for nearly 10 happy and challenging years. We've grown especially close over the past two years since our family dynamic changed in the blink of an eye.
I'm a blessed momma to two of the sweetest, quirkiest, funniest, loving boys I could ask for: Ethan Joshua (with Jesus) who we were blessed to have in our lives for SEVEN fully blessed years. Evan James, who is 6 and blesses us with his humor and love each and every day!
I wasn't always a homeschool momma. At one time, I don't think the idea of being a stay-at-home momma ever crossed my mind. God certainly changed that desire in 2006 when the Air Force relocated us (in the military world, it's called a PCS, short for permanent change of station) to the Nevada desert. I resigned from my career, became a SAHM in an instant, and never looked back! Oh, it wasn't easy. I struggled with identity, but when I truly found out my identity in Christ--who HE made me to be--my struggles lessened each day.
You will find posts that are encouraging. You might find a sad post too. I try to be as real as I can with my feelings. Sometimes, in all honesty, I hide my feelings from the blog world. But there are many times I am extremely honest, because if I can bless just ONE soul out there that needs encouragment, then perhaps it is truly worth my honesty and tears. Deep down I know it's worth it!
I will leave you with this: Many people ask me how can I go on and live and breathe, and just be a person with what I have done through. It's through Him who gives and continues to give me the strength, courage, grace, and hope to go on living. I cannot do it on my own, and when I attempt to, I am gently reminded to lean on Him. Jesus is just so amazing, and it's true that we can do ALL things through He who gives us the strength to do so!
God bless you!
Shannon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)